Okay, so I find it really hard to look into the face of positive at the end of the year. There is always so much left unaccomplished and unrealized and then there is always the missing of those that are no longer in my life. The remembering is always a recurring rock I just cannot crawl out from under. The better to have loved idea seems like a hard stretch at times like these. Memory is sometimes such a bitter friend.
I watch all the celebrity memorials and can't help but feel sad. I know that so many that have passed have had incredible lives. I know that the fact that someone even makes it to a celebrity news special is the very definition of a life well lived, or at least publicly lived, but it still tends to make me feel sad at the loss. I look at so many things in this way. Feeling the loss instead of remembering the good. I guess I'm not very zen. I guess I haven't reached that stage of enlightenment yet.
I find the older I get the more I think I understand how I could have fixed things. Made them better. Made them happier. But so many people have passed on and the chance to fix or repair things has passed with them. Somewhere inside I must know that if it were at all possible to change, it would have happened long before their passing. I guess I have reverse eternal optimism: that is, I hold onto the idea that maybe I could have changed the things that made me sad. Could have changed them enough to see through the loss and into the more precious side of it all. And that, well, makes me kind of sad.
This year I am having a bit of a battle with myself. The darkness wants me to see only the melancholy but the truth is, I have accomplished things in the past few years that only five years ago appeared so insurmountable that I wouldn't even think about attempting them. But none-the-less I seem to have done exactly that. So I have to look, that is, force myself to look, at what I have accomplished and even I can't help but be proud and even a bit excited about the future when I see all the fears I faced down. All of the negative voices I battled. All of my own insecurities that I quashed.
So I have only one new year's resolution this year: to be my own best friend. To talk to myself only in positives as I would talk to a friend. To cheer myself on in everything I try to do, especially when life gets rough. To be my own little cheerful angel on my own shoulder that whispers: you can do it, keep going, you can do it. And when all that fails, to take myself out for ice cream and a bit of shoe shopping because, well, that's what best friends do.
- ▼ 2011 (11)